Posted by: ZacharyThomas | December 27, 2009

Ebbe and Flow

Yesterday and today have been really rough. Most likely the worst Christmas I’ve ever had, I’ve nobody to blame but myself. If I could change what I did I would but I can’t, this is probably going to be a long post because I need to just get this out, I hope you can take a lesson away from my mistakes.

Pretty much, here it is: I was dating, a wonderful beautiful precious young lady that I care and love more than words can express. Somewhere along the way I allowed my insecurities and trust issues to rule our relationship, I don’t even know how it happened but it did. As a result of being afraid to trust her completely I pushed her away by being easily angered, not being there for her, and being selfish but not having the heart to break up with her. In general I just wasn’t being the caring boyfriend I should’ve been. This went on for about two months, some weeks were worse than others, but completely wrong regardless. About 3 weeks ago I realized what I was doing, the pain I was causing her and how I pretty much just had my head up my butt. Thus I began the process of doing a 180, and treating her the way I needed to be treating her. In the end the damage was done and we ended up breaking things off.

As a result of her and I no longer being together the one thing I wanted and was looking forward to for Christmas didn’t happen; that was to spend part of the day with her. The past week and a half since we broke things off have been some of the toughest days of my life. I’ll be honest and say I’ve never cried so much over one thing in my life. Her and I have worked on alot of things in the past 3 weeks and eventually we came to the decision that for now the best decision for both of us would be to be to remain friends, give each other time and space to heal and sort out our feelings. As of last night I was very pleased with where things were based on the circumstances and situation we were in.

This morning while she was out running errands she called me and we got to chatting like the friends we were before dating, it was a breath of fresh air. Since I’m unable to do what I wanted as a Christmas present for her and her phone needs a new battery I decided that it would be a fitting and useful present. She was already going to head over to the verizon store to purchase one today. So I asked and arranged to meet her there so I could buy the battery, being the day after Christmas the store was packed so she decided to order the battery online. Since she had some time to kill and we hadn’t hung out at all for almost 3 weeks we sat in her car, chatted and just caught up. It seemed that things were going well. Until this evening I was driving around turning in job applications and received a phone call from her mother. Her mom informed me of things I was already aware of, such as Leah not wanting to be in a relationship with me and needing space to heal and sort out her feelings. Then her mother asked me to not have any contact with Leah based on something that happened a week ago. I respectfully informed her mother that Leah and I had worked things out and agreed to remain just friends and that we had hung out at the Verizon store earlier today. Her mom said she needed to confirm that we hung out by asking Leah. She got off the phone and called me back about 5 minutes later, and told me Leah said we didn’t hang and out and that I didn’t give her money to pay for the new battery for her phone. I hope and believe that Leah didn’t lie to her mother about it but regardless I was accused of lying about having hung out with Leah. When I tried to defend myself against said accusations, her mother became very angry and began screaming at me about how I’m not to have any contact with Leah, to go anywhere near her or her family, that I wasn’t allowed in her neighborhood and then proceeded to hang up the phone on me. It hurts, but I’m going to respect her mother and have no contact.

Thus is the story of the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. I’ve learned alot about myself from the whole thing, how to treat others and many lessons. I wish I could go back and redo the whole thing but I can’t. Whats done is done, I’m going to have to live with the consequences and make the best out of it.


I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, I’d give the world to change what I did. I know I hurt you, and don’t deserve to even know your name, but if you can find it in you to give me a chance to prove to you that I’ve changed, please allow me that opportunity

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